These are quoted notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

 

     "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges and (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

 

 

Here are the scorecards from the event with the three judges notes:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

     JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

     JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

     FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove               dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put               the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.  These Texans             are crazy.

 

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

     JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

     JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken               seriously.

     FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am           supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two               people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They           had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

     JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more           beans.

     JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red                   peppers.

     FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels               like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine       by now, get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded            me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my         chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

 

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

     JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

     JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for               fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

     FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable           to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally,               the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills;               that ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this               nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

     JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,               adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

     JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must           admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

     FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and               I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people               behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended      when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.            Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer                    directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my              lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges            asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

     JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance               of spice and peppers.

     JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and               garlic. Superb.

     FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,           sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm                    worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems               inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she               must be kinkier than I thought.  Can't feel my lips               anymore.  I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

     JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned           peppers.

     JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can           of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I               am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit           of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

     FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I               wouldn't feel a damn thing.  I've lost the sight in one               eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.        My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of            my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my            damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what               killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too                    painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I            need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in            my stomach.

 

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

     JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for           all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its                   existence.

     JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither               mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when               Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili              pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to            make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a               really hot chili?

     FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to             report)