These are quoted notes From An Inexperienced
Chili Taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
"Recently
I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges and (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be
all that spicy, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event with
the three judges notes:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster
Chili
JUDGE
ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE
TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK:
Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE
ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE
TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK:
Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had
to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn
Chili
JUDGE
ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE
TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK:
Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now,
get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on
the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE
ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE
TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much
of a chili.
FRANK:
I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to
burn-out taste buds? Sally, the
bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE
ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
JUDGE
TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
FRANK:
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE
ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE
TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK:
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I
farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally, she must be
kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE
ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE
TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK:
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the
autopsy they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE
ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
JUDGE
TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that
most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make
it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK:
--------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)